in pursuit of critical and compassionate living and thought. in surrender to courage & delight of Christ.
When happenstance love walks in, oh don’t the doubts and questions and crazy walk in too! A few months ago, I sat for two hours in a café trying to cope with crushing on a guy who walked in, that I knew that I knew that I knew, but for the life of me, could not remember. Immediately after he left, I realized the utter lunacy that characterized my thought processes and actions in those hours (yes, hours!)…and wrote it all out for the heck of it. Today, I share with you my inner crazy…that I know we all share! Here’s a play by play of my head’s spinning thoughts and modern-day crush-coping strategies and my reflections at the end. For your enjoyment, and consoling of your own crazy:
New coffee shop, you’ve done me good. An hour of solid work already! Yay me. Shuffling of tables around me. He walked in with a couple of friends. Attention diverted. I know I know him. And liked him. Beauty of a man with an impeccable smile. I know I know him! But from where? He sits down laughing, they change tables. His eye-smile. Killer. Love a man who’s always smiling. Wait, does that mean he can’t be serious too? Ugh, you never know. Wait, I’m smiley, can I be serious? Whatever. Why do I know this guy?! Why can’t I remember his name? For whatever reason I clearly remember things about him – I know what he does, I know he loves Jesus, I’m pretty sure he’s a friend of a friend, I know he’s not from here, and I know I liked him…why can’t I remember the rest?! Ah! What’s he doing in town? What a coincidence. Fate! Fatality you dimwit, you can’t remember the dude’s name! Gosh, this opportunity can’t be missed. Shoot am I still looking at him? Girl, stop smiling! You’re gonna creep him out. I’m here alone, I have no reason to be smiling. Should’ve come with a friend, then it wouldn’t be so weird. Just look pleasant. Where do I know him from?? Facebook: Magic 8 Ball of missing memories. Wait, what am I supposed to do?? Creep every friend’s friend list?! Ugh. Stupid. Did he just look over?! Okay maybe I actually will. ***scroll, scroll, scroll, click, scroll, tunnel, scroll*** Shoot, but this wouldn’t even change anything. What am I supposed to say, Heyyy, I just stalked your profile while I was sitting here and finally remembered your name and other details from some other encounter I can’t remember that was probably as weird as this one…wanna get coffee?! Ugh. Its hopeless. I should’ve known better picking a spot where my screen is visible to everyone. Does my phone connect to the wifi here? Darn. When do super handsome, smiley, conversational men my age who love Jesus that I’ve already met walk into my coffee shop??! Or maybe I’ve just been a hermit. Or maybe I don’t know because I haven’t stalked everyone and they don’t carry around Bibles. Yeeeaahhh. There must be tons of these guys around I just don’t know. Should I start wearing Jesus paraphernalia so Jesus-loving dudes know I’m a Jesus-loving gal too? Oh gosh, no, girl what’s up with you. You got this! Just go over. Am I overthinking? Am I shallow? I’m officially a creep. Creeps find people too. Okay. Let’s do this. Guy sees girl in coffee shop, she smiles back, he thinks she’s into him, guys like girls who like them, he comes over…Oh but he’s got friends here. He’s not going to do that. But he’ll remember me! Girl, whether he remembers you or not he probably doesn’t like you! Shut up, voice! A girl can try. He’s outta your league. What does that even mean, voice?! Make a move, girl. Okay there’s nothing that isn’t very awkward I can do right now. He’s with friends, across the coffee shop. I’m starting to think we’ve never met. Make a move, girl. Get up, walk over, and just say something simple: Hi, I just heard you talking about the physics of sport…and go from there. Simple. Smooth. OMG he’ll be so weirded out!!! People have told me I am pretty?! Ugh. But am I actually?? What does that even mean?? Of course this morning would’ve been a morning I take forever getting ready to go to a coffee shop…and ended up giving up on looking good. Gahh and my makeup is probably all worn off by now. This is not the je ne sais quoi look they talk about that can swoon strange outta-town men in cafés like the movies. You’re just doing it again – we all think this way. You look fine, you’re totally fine with yourself. Darn movies, so much pressure. You got this. Go say Hi. Okay. Where do I know him from?! You’re stalling. Oh! He looked! Ok almost. Nope, man, look to the left, the left. He switches seats, his back is to me now. There goes that. Oh! He’s turning…eyes meet! Expressionless. Was that a cover??! Like, a nonchalant not interested look to pretend he didn’t see me?! Games, I hate games. Nope. Face it. No game. Just no impression. Flashback to the last time I made a move first. Ahhh don’t go there! This’ll be different! Its a new world for women! We can ask guys out! ***slight brain pause hoping he looks over in that exact moment*** Mannnn, like, do I have the pheromones of a potato??? Well. That sucked. Ugh, but where do I know him from???!
And so ended my contemplating asking this guy out. I never did go over. I saw him eye up another girl who walked by him and sat closer and at once lost interest and accepted I wasn’t on his radar. He left with his friends shortly after. I sat there for a moment just after and finally “came to”. My crazy reaction was actually pretty normal. We all do it. We are sane, level-headed, wise, and independently secure individuals…until those deeper desires that remain backbenched are evoked by happenstance moments of possibility. Hope can make us crazy too. And its okay. I had a good laugh at myself, and thanked God he made us such funny, and unpredictable, and passionate creatures. And I had a good laugh with myself because at the end of the hour, I was still alone in that coffee shop, and I was cool to own and be in the company of my own crazy.
Love is crazy. Embrace it. We were meant for it.